Prologue

You told me.

Yesterday? A week ago? The days have begun to meld together and I feel like parts of me are flaking off as the days change.

I am trying to be happy and optimistic.

Stay calm and think of other things and other plans.

I am trying to look you in the eye and smile and tell you I love you and that I will always love  you.

That I understand your decisions.

To leave. To go. To not take me with you.

To drop me. To abandon me.

And I am trying so hard but every time I think a tear rolls down my cheek and rivers are flowing again.

I tried to change the background on my phone so I wasn’t looking at you every time the screen turned on and I didn’t know what to change it to.

I thought of things that made me happy.

And I started crying again. You make me happy.

I googled cute puppies. And I thought of you.

I can’t even look at cute puppies and be happy.

I wish I could ignore it all, just throw it somewhere deep inside me.

I wish I could do whatever it is you are doing to stay together.

But I fall asleep crying after already crying for hours at a time and I wake up with eyes the size of golf balls.

And the reality of it all hits me in the face every morning I look in the mirror.

I don’t want to eat anymore. The idea of eating is actually nauseating me.

And so the weight starts to chip away slowly and then all at once.

I just want to sleep. I want to escape into another part of myself.

I want to forget.

I am looking through old pictures and wondering if they should all be deleted or if I should keep them just in case.

Just in case what?

And then I go back to all the things I will lose when I lose you. If I lose you. I have to keep saying if.

But all I want to say is when.

I want to push you away and tell you how much I want to hate you.

Hate you for the pain I am feeling.

How months of my life will be spent curled up in a ball as my body dissolves around me.

I want to disconnect my life from you.

But I also want to you to stay, tell you to never leave me.

Don’t ever leave me.

Let me be enough, I want to scream.

I am so scared of living my life without you. That I don’t know how to.

I don’t know how to be alone.

Choose me, love me.

 

My sister says that if you look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself twenty times that you are going to be okay, you start to believe it.

 

I am going to be okay.

I am going to be okay.

I am going to be okay.

….

I am going to be okay. 

You brought my beauty

Lit up the world

Took the petals off the brightest of flowers and drifted them through the wind

They landed on lakes that reflected the warmest of skies

You brought my sunshine and made the clouds dance

Looking back, there was a forever glow when you smiled

I didn’t care if it lit up a room, it lit up my life

You brought my laughter

That roared like the thunder that rolled above

And when we touched, lightning would hit

I remember I thought

If I could feel just like this, everyday,

I’d never need the sun

 

 

23 Shades of Love

  1. Love is a warm blanket and a hug from mom and dad
  2. Love is running into their room before bed and showing them the 2nd grade boy I had a crush on-that love lasted most of elementary school
  3. Love is an anonymous poem from the boy in my 4th grade class who loved the way my hair sparkled in the sun-I never found out who he was
  4. Love is when the school dance comes around in 6th grade and Vicky and Bobby were “dating”, we were 11 but she thought they’d get married-I once saw him slurp nacho cheese through a straw
  5. Love is Jr. High acne, drama and falling for the gay guy in the spring play-Duh
  6. Love is ignoring the boy who stayed up past midnight talking to me on the phone about nothing-I liked his best friend
  7. Love is when my 7th grade locker partnet became the most reliable and greatest gift that middle school could have granted me-she is my person
  8. Love is freshman year of high school and being told my friend wouldn’t date me because I’m Jewish and he is Lutheran
  9. Love is getting kissed for the first time right before the boy that drove me to school for 2 years went off to college
  10. Love is Junior year staring at my phone praying that he texts back
  11. Love is making out for hours in his bed while his dad was out and slamming the door on his face when he told me I was his ‘really good friend’-I walked around for months feeling a gaping whole in my chest and never heard from him again
  12. Love is when my sister mentioned his name and he was so unimportant to me by then I had no idea who she was talking about-I had moved on
  13. Love is senior year driving around my home town for hours after being setup with this boy for prom-he gave me butterflies
  14. Love is graduating from high school and going on vacation with your best friend only to meet the gorgeous tan boy that remembered the exact way I looked when he first laid eyes on me-no one had ever looked at me the way he did
  15. Love is my first year of college and choosing the boy with way too much baggage
  16. Love is finally being ready to commit and being pushed away-I wrote him a 3 page letter and he reenlisted in the military
  17. Love is receiving a letter 1 year later telling me how much I changed his life-there is still no room for him in my heart and I had to learn to care more about myself than his inability to move on
  18. Love is not looking for love but finding it unexpectedly in a college pool party with the boy who I thought was way too good looking to ever consider me-he forgot his swim trunks and was wearing his boxer briefs
  19. Love is talking through all the reasons I was too afraid to have sex in the past and being able to feel respected and cared for while experiencing it for the first time
  20. Love is when the summer ended and he moved back to Philadelphia and my sister slept in my bed with me, holding me, as my heart ached with the pain from missing him
  21. Love is the first time someone told me “I love you”
  22. Love is moving halfway across the country to be closer to the boy I met four years ago in a hot tub college party-love is the feeling I get every time I see him again
  23. Love is when I hold him tightly in my arms as we realize our lives may be going in separate directions-love is letting go

Eulogy song

 

The Golden Years:
Oh when we met
We were both high off the stars
When we kissed
I thought we’d fly to mars
The whole room went dark
We ran through the streets
In nothing but swimsuits and crazy fucking dreams
I asked you to take off the training wheels
Loosen the grip, take your hands off and see if you trip.
Hold your arms out like your flying.
In the long run, we are all just dying-looking back on seconds we should have spent with a smile
The world spins fast boy
So make us last for awhile.
Chorus:
Wear black, take deep breaths
Bring tissues because we know that you’ll need them
Bring your memories and your fallen tears
Bring your families and stories from these past years
Because we are now reading our eulogy
The relationships over but none of us feel free
I am not saying this is where we belong
But when you think of us, baby think of this song…
The Darkened Years:
The radio has become another scrapbook
And every song it plays reminds me of the way you loved my smile
All the harmonies our hearts heard so perfectly
Now sound the dissonance of something beautiful just ending
Sometimes you don’t realize the wind has changed
Until it has already blown you away
The Golden Years:
We stay up at night
Remembering laugh lines that we wear around our eyes

The way that you looked at me as if you were staring at the sun for the first time
Or just that you were staring into mine
I waited for you to blink
To make sure that neither of us missed out on something the other didn’t see
And when you held me
I believed we could hold onto forever
The Darkened Years:
I guess it is true what they say
That we don’t realize what we have until it is gone
Maybe it was more about the expectation
But when you told me you were to be lost forever
In my memory
That our yesterdays are our eternal together days
I wish I had memorized the lines on your hands
Or caught your gaze
Like I was catching your heart
Chorus:
Wear black, take deep breaths
Bring tissues because we know that you’ll need them
Bring your memories and your fallen tears
Bring your families and stories from these past years
Because we are now reading our eulogy
The relationships over but none of us feel free
I am not saying this is where we belong
But when you think of us, baby think of this song…

That Old House

We bought that place back in ’98

When she thought we’d be young forever

Never thought it’d become the place

We would grow old together

 

We built that house on love struck stares

And whiskey and sweat

She drank so many ice cold beers

Thought she’d bubble away down the pipes

The stairs creaked and the bed always rocked

And if she listened hard enough she could hear the memories

Of laughter and forgiveness and forgotten thought

 

About two years later the gift arrived

And brought little hands and little feet

Never knew how much one life could change the whole existence of being

Little feet brought little messes and the whole place turned to dirt

She washed three piles of clothes each day

But could never keep up with the way life changed

 

The notches on the wall inched up and up

As the tiny legs grew

We raised that house and before we knew it

School bells rang and coffee pots brewed

 

We built that house on diapers and wipes

When we thought one was enough

It wasn’t until a year later

The other one just sprouted up

 

A family of three became our family of four

And she laughed and cried with the sun

They brought us so much happiness

But the day was never done

 

We bought this house back in ’98

When we thought we’d be young forever

Gray hairs became a valley a top her head

And my hair was pushed back with age

Baby cries said their last goodbyes

As the little ones turned into real people

 

She walked around this old house

And the seasons always flew

Years flashed by

Events to and fro

Before we knew it

We had grown old

 

There was a place on the roof that always leaked

And her knees became arthritic

It seemed we had slowed down

But the whole world was still spinning

The kids moved out and the house had a stillness

That only loneliness could bring

 

The house had holes and pieces missing

The couch was sunken in

There were pictures all over the fridge

 

But the house never stopped breathing

 

Little flowers blossomed

And the house began to smell again of baby powder and innocence

Chasing away the tiny prints

Brought life back into the floors

 

The skin stretched and gravity pulled

Canes knocked up the stairs

We bought that place back in ’98

But we never did stay young forever

It became the place

We would live and die together

 

 

 

Burning

I turned over quickly

Getting to know him again

Kissing like a school girl finally touching the lips of the boy she had loved for far too long

(Plaid skirts, button down white shirts, seduction and secrets)

His mouth had a burn to it

That ran through your veins and awakened the need for fire

His lips had been lit and we sparked through the darkness

Crawling up, slowly reaching the top

Rolling over waves of cotton and satin and-

You don’t know what you are missin’ til you are thigh high in a sea of sheets

Gasping for breath, as the tide crashes through

 

You never know a person as well as you know them in the pitch black

With fair skin igniting the touch of electricity

And the blank stares of black shadows that flicker over the wall as the light creeps in

We are all dancers when the lights go down

We are all singers when the crowd’s not around

 

We were lovers before we had even hit ground

And we ran, oh man did we soar

 

 

 

 

 

Where Does The Good Go -Tegan & Sara

Where do you go with your broken heart in tow?
What do you do with the left over you?
And how do you know, when to let go?
Where does the good go, where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won’t go
Look me in the eye and promise no love’s like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won’t happen

It’s love that leaves and breaks the seal
of always thinking you would be real
happy and healthy, strong and calm.
where does the good go?
Where does the good go?

Where do you go when you’re in love and the world knows?
How do you live so happily while I am sad and broken down?
What do you say it’s up for grabs now that you’re on your way down?
Where does the good go, where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won’t go
Look me in the eye and promise no love’s like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won’t happen

It’s love that leaves and breaks the seal
of always thinking you would be real
happy and healthy, strong and calm.
where does the good go?
Where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t find me attractive
Look me in the heart and tell me you won’t go
Look me in the eye and promise no love’s like our love
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won’t happen

It’s love that leaves and breaks the seal
of always thinking you would be real
happy and healthy, strong and calm.
where does the good go?
Where does the good go?

Where does the good go?

Look me in the eye and tell me you don’t find me attractive (where does the good go?)
Look me in the heart and tell me you won’t go (where does the good go?)
Look me in the eye and promise no love’s like our love (where does the good go?)
Look me in the heart and unbreak broken, it won’t happen (where does the good go?)

Where does the good go?

Dear Valentine

 

In case I lose you, don’t say you’re sorry

Just tell me how much you loved

How much we lived

Remind me of who we became together

So vividly that I can relive it

And if I am losing you, don’t lie to me

Just dance with me, forget your feet

We’ll fly together

Walk with me

Just take my hand

I’ll know where to go

Before you leave

 

And do not fear being alone

We are always,

It is only in the many miraculous moments that those around us can blind us in believing that we are not

 

Do not fear sadness, it is the only way to find light

When I am with you, you must shine so brightly because I am so completely blinded that the world around me turns black

And I am thrown into a place where only your voice resonates

 

Do not fear losing me

Do not fear the way that the sheets lay when no one has slept there for ages

Do not fear the unknown pit of wondering, who am I now

Do not fear the rebuilding of tissues and soul that will come from the fall

Do not fear the silence that becomes your heart beat…

 

I fear the parts of myself that will suffer when you fade

 

 

And if I lose you,

Do not weep

For life is loss

And I loved you with all of life

 

 

 

 

21st Century Girl

She shatters glass when she walks in the room

Her sneakers graze the floor like Cinderella’s glass slipper on the opening night of the ball

And the air she breathes could be gold

She talks with an education that has come from being disrespected and objectified

Her beauty comes from the strength that she has gained from holding herself up each day after being emotionally beaten

She doesn’t hide the bruises, they lie on her skin like bracelets

Delicate and fragile, the colors slowly weave their way over freckles and scars

Her body grows hair

And she shaves if she feels like it

“Fuck ’em all” is written on the ass of her sweatpants

 

She attracts stares because she is just so god damn intelligent, it is almost shocking, that a woman like that could have so much to say

And when she opens her mouth, men begin to toy with their dictionaries

Her nails are perfectly shaped, a little sharper than usual and pointed at the tips

She wears a ring on the fourth finger of her left hand

Her grandma bought her that ring before she died

She no longer apologizes for things that are not her fault or out of her control

And the last time she said she was sorry for being in someone else’s space was when she heard how uncomfortable her mother felt after holding her for 9 months in her womb

 

Her smile though, could share a thousand moments of happiness and cruelty

“And in this life”, she says, “you only have those that respect you and those that forget you”

She laughs genuinely, because that is the only way to

 

 

Oh How It Changed Us

Let’s talk about our future

And all of our plans

Lose the present and think of ten years…

White dresses, holding babies

Let’s talk about growing old together

And all the wrinkles our memories will have created

Sewn up scars, battle wounds that only adventure can account for

————————————————————-

Remember when we first met, don’t ever forget it

————————————————————-

Let’s think of all the ways we can fit our dreams into one existence

And soar above the stars

Do you know how to build a rocket ship?

Fly me to the moon, you always said

You’d land among me.

Let’s get grass stains on white cotton sheets

And drink wine until our skin reeks of it

Let’s buy a house, let’s buy an island, let’s buy the world!

Let me buy your heart, for a thousand lifetimes

Hold it and rock it gently to sleep each night

How often do you think of our future?

On the tip of our tongues but we rarely acknowledge it

Ahead, yet we too easily fall behind

How much will you change me, after these years

Will I see myself in you, will you take pieces from me

What will be staring at us when we look in the mirror…

Let’s talk about dying

Is it just like falling asleep

Hold my hand if time allows our feet to wander down the same road right to the end

Take it

Promise you’ll take it, when I reach out to hold you.

How did we age so quickly, how did our future so quickly become our past